Thursday, January 5, 2012

a reluctant lightworker waking up to reality

The shift.
It came on the day I realized I've to face the buried deep down past traumatic experience I've went through alone on that evening. Where forms are no longer forms, and just some distant memories, cut short of not letting anyone know in details, what actually transpired. This thing face me and I've to either confront it or let go of it. By letting go, it mean cutting off a piece of the demonic influence in me from further attachment. I chose to shed the blood and tears. A part of me is not a part of me anymore. Everything was blanketed and buried, even those that I wanted and needed were no longer available. And I was reborn, but not on an overall basis. This part is a hole that do not make me whole, and I simply deem this part as a big hole with a gap that spell imperfection and black dots in my life. No matter how and what I do to it, it mutates and sort of manifest to other forms in my life. Those forms that which I can't hide forever nor would it get lesser. But again, it got buried deep down and blanketed again, until sometimes I don't know which personality is mine.

Until one fine day, the emotion and waves come again , for me to remember it again when I feel that I should be worthy of love and for love. And it stopped me. NO MORE SUFFERINGS. Void that part. And so I watched, and watched all the episode that plays against the backdrop of my life like some sort of drama. It simply let me know that what I want and what I need, is simply not this form anymore. I need to untie lesser strings to myself and not create bondage that tie my fears and reluctance to accept further pain. I saw upon the sky and the stars in the horizon, I checked and checked again the configuration, it should be NOW. The seed is there and I should not activate it. If I do, the outcome will be something I do not want to go through readily. Let me be just in the dream, where in that dream it was and will be perfect, a world I created where I can be with anyone and anything that I wanted. And this, will save a lot of trouble and let me be focus on reality while my private world is for me to play.

So what if every waking time for me is indeed a coma, while in coma is where the real me stands? My higher self will have to answer me this then. If indeed it is, why did you put me in this without my permission? Why do you let me do something and feel something that is not meant for this waking hour? I want to create a different world now, and am going to sit you down while you listen to my instruction, as per my manifestation and as per my conscious awakening. I want to get out of this world and re-create my world. And with this am pumping in all new belief systems back to you and stop the damage that had  been done throughout this 3 decades. I will make myself lighter and recreate the cells in the body so that I can hold more light. And recreate new perceptions, new perspectives, new me and new world.

Giving up
Some thing which I do not chase upon the feeling does not mean I am not choosing right. I am just thinking of greater good on an overall basis. But the aloofness is killing another part of me. To advance, or to retreat, or to just brush it off as a mere illusion, is a signal of what I am looking for, and what I have might not be what I thought I wanted, until another sign came and show me right in the face, that indeed what I wanted is not in this form. It is in that form. So at the end, I am best to let go of forms for it changes. Let go because change is the only constant. What I gave up today, will be that space I needed to fill in more, as it simply means it is something that no longer serves me good. And with the new space, I can use it for my higher advancement. However, a part of me is reluctant to give up on those that I know I needed to, and you ... you are my agent of change as well as my agent of giving up. For you just let me know what are choices, and how I can consciously choose to put you into that black hole of mine to stop the sufferings.

New Reality
Life , without meaning, is something that I DO wish to end prematurely at any time if given the chance to do so without any repercussion. Simply because, I do not want to have that imperfect episode that keep replaying as it like when I am not on my guard. But I can't, and I have a contract of life in my blueprint that I will have to accept, eventually. And this life time is the time I have to start redeeming myself and honor the promise with my protector to do the works. There's no better time than now, and the path is laid out perfectly. No matter what happens, in the end I will still walk upon the continent, and I will do it in a way I am most comfortable in, and in ways I know, as I trust you've put me in places right for the cause to happen. And yes, I have put in new meaning to life, that is not for my only sole purpose. The meaning of my to live it helping and influencing people on a mass scale to higher consciousness and turn it into benefits for humanity. That is one big vague thing, but it's already in books what's the baby steps that am going to do. In this awakening hour, strategies and game play is what am still learning, for in my own world that I was in , it was and will always be perfect. 

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